“Therefore avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery.” –Alcoholics Anonymous
I spend a lot of time wondering what might be wrong with me. You see, I am almost never happy. And I don’t mean happy as in a good mood, because I’m in a good mood. Alright?
No, I mean happy as in satisfied, contented, fulfilled. And, yes, I get it….no one promised that I would be any of those things. Rather, it is my seeming inability to achieve them myself that I worry about. For instance, every job I have ever had has ended up being boring, with a capital “B.” And I mean boring as in having nothing to do. Nothing to do except think, that is.
So, I sit there and make my own misery. It’s pretty easy to make, too. Here’s how:
First, begin by making up stories about your life. But they have to be negative! For example, “You should have gone to school and gotten some sort of degree,” or “Why can’t you ever seem to make the right choices in life?” or “No one likes you (a particular favorite of mine!),” etc, etc.
Then look at other people around you and make up some random stuff about them and their lives. For instance, “So-and-so is always doing so well; I’ll bet they’re happy about their lives!” or “Everyone around you makes more money than you do,” or “Everyone around you is smarter than you are,” etc, etc.
And feel free to go on ad infinitum, which, by the way, is Latin for “until you feel like throwing up.”
If you are any good at this, before you know it, you will mistake “beliefs” for “reality.” Then the fun really begins! In no time you too can start to feel sad, depressed, fearful, and less than! And it can go on for days.
For me, it’s the signal that tells me that my disease — dis ease — has won this round.
Damn you, “isms”!
What I could do in this situation is to change course and change my thinking. I could call my sponsor or someone in recovery, or go to a meeting, write, pray, be grateful….or JUST STOP DOING IT.
But do I? NAH!
Sometimes I am afraid to tell the truth about myself. Or worse, I deny what I am thinking (which sounds pretty weird). But, just like a software program quietly running in the background, subtle and powerful, my disease never sleeps.
The good news, as always, is that there is an “app” for that! It’s called “HEY DUMMY, GO TO A MEETING“.
Go ahead and try it sometime. You never know….it could just work!