This post is about living an unconscious life. The tragedy is that, by its very nature, when you live “unconsciously”, you tend to be unaware of it! To be fair, it is very difficult to pay attention when you are busily engaging the addict/alcoholic through addictive behavior, either by obsessing about your addiction or actually engaging in it. My addictions also increased my depression and my general and social anxiety disorders, as well. Fear ran rampant, and being unconscious worked for a while!
When I drank and used, I was afraid of literally everyone. My solution was to live unconsciously – not have a phone, keep the curtains in my house closed ALL THE TIME, lest some passerby look in my window and see me in there! And please, please don’t KNOCK on my door! Yikes!
It took me a long time to get over this. Although to be truthful, I still have a PTSD type reaction when someone knocks on my door; I really hate Halloween.
However, the longer I stay sober, the more I realize there is actually a lot of stuff to pay attention to. It’s not that scary, and it’s OK to be uncomfortable (or conscious) once in a while. I also realize that many, if not most, of the people “out there” in the real world, are really struggling now in the same ways that I used to. They need some tolerance, love and understanding, too.
Today, I mostly try to identify my fears and deal with them as best as I can. But sometimes, it’s too much and I revert to being unconscious again.
…..like right now….for……..instanc