I’d like to say “I just decided I wanted to get sober so I did.” Sounds easy enough. I’ve heard it said before “I picked up one white chip and I’ve been sober ever since.” How amazing…..for THAT person. This was not my experience, even though it may have been nice to have happened that way! Nope, not for me. I had to squeeze every last ounce of “incomprehensible demoralization out of my alcoholism and addiction that I could possibly bear…or not!
I remember praying for death and truly believing it would be the ONLY way out. I get it; I get the sadness, depression, hopelessness, and despair of that bottomless pit. But now, today in recovery I feel the sense of hope. Hope that only willingness to do whatever it takes brings! I remember thinking “I will do everything BUT that.” I remember sitting in meetings thinking to myself “that’ll never happen to me,” But then IT DID. It ALL happened! Every last single thing I said or thought would never happen to me did!….hence the “incomprehensible demoralization”.
Recovery for me, at least in the beginning, was doing what I didn’t want to do! After all, I concluded, (while sitting in that bottomless pit) that I had done whatever I wanted to do my entire life and look what it got me! So in recovery, I became willing to follow direction, whether I wanted to or not, whether I thought my sponsor knew what she was talking about or not! I had to be willing!
I began to learn (NOT listen) to my own thinking and rely on those that had what I wanted! THEN, and ONLY then, did the miracle of recovery begin to happen for me. Today I live a life beyond my wildest dreams and to think it was as simple as following direction and doing what I didn’t want to do! After all, just like they say, my worst day sober is waaaaay better than my best day of drinking!
