Over the past year I have felt very tired, physically and mentally. This time last year I threw my back out and the rest of my body hasn’t felt the same since. I changed jobs at work and was given a lot more responsibility. I got a new sponsor. I sought outside help for some things I have needed to get off my chest for 20 years. I changed jobs again at work. Needless to say, there was a lot of change going on in my life and I was exhausted.
I began to feel stuck, literally stuck. Some days I would come home from work and sit in the same place on the couch until I went to bed. My husband finally told me that I needed to do something different because it was better than being consumed by anxiety, physical pain and stress.
I started thinking about what I could do differently. I was going to meetings, more than usual, in fact. I was giving my job everything that I had. I was going to the gym regularly. I was seeing a therapist. I was going to the doctor for preventative care. I thought to myself, “What is there left to do?”
It is very easy for me to get caught up in self-will. I have long struggled with turning my will over to the care of something greater than myself for the shear fact that I cannot touch or see said something. But thankfully my memory works in my favor (my memory is crazy good but my forgetter runs a close second). I remember many times when I have had no other choice than to ask for help from my Higher Power. Without a doubt, I know that I have gotten what I needed, regardless of how quickly or how slowly.
I practice daily surrender throughout the day now. I travel for work so I am in my car a lot and have ample time for conversations with my Higher Power. Today, life is good. More change is inevitable and I am likely to struggle with self-will again. The hope is in knowing that I don’t have to struggle with anything alone.