You seriously need to give yourself a break. You’ve spent so much of your life living in fear. Deep down, you know, truly know, that you are an infinite spiritual being having a temporary human experience. Why don’t you stop spending so much energy trying to deny this? You’ve been given the gift of addiction for the purpose of returning to your essential spiritual nature. You have been given enormous and uncommon gifts. Ignoring this is not an option. Living in ego, denying your essential spiritual nature, and attributing life’s daily miracles to coincidence will only work for so long.
You fear death, despite knowing that this is a return to the infinite, despite knowing that the world we see is only part of all that is. Still, the doubt lingers…”What if I’m wrong? What if all that awaits isn’t connection to the infinite, but infinite loneliness, disconnection, and ultimately nothing?” You fear the loss of the wall that separates you from all that is not you; that your authentic self is somehow broken or not good enough.
Your spiritual malady long predates your drug addiction. Your path was a purgatory of insanity, stumbling through life relying on your intellect, disconnected from your brothers and sisters. Your essential spiritual nature is a perfect expression of creation. Your fears, your ego, your desire to disconnect is part of this malady.
Recovery is the gift that allows you to reconnect to the infinite. Stop trying to disqualify yourself based on other people’s ideas of what a higher power is. Slow down, give yourself a break. You are a child of God, deserving of joy and freedom, a fully-connected part of all that is.
You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust.
You were born with ideals and dreams.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings.
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.
You have wings. Learn to use them and fly.