Recovery Bytes

The Committee in My Head by Eugene “Tree” H.

I often refer to the voices and the in-decisions in my head as my Committee holding a meeting, or I refer to them all flying in for the convention in my head.  This happens whenever I need to make a decision or I am being challenged with doing the next right thing.

My disease committee comes in with the disguise of glamour sometimes, or threats of fear, sometimes shining and sparkling and full of mischief and excitement. Their voices excite me with selfish thoughts and self-centered ego.  They know my weakness and my pleasure triggers.

They are often loud and demanding.  These voices want me to do the next wrong thing for the next wrong reason.  Why?  Because they want me to suffer.  They fill me with remorse, fear, anger, because my disease wants me dead.

It is that quiet voice, that spiritual voice, that directs me to do the next right thing for the next right, good reason, but because of the loud noise the other voices are making, I sometimes find it difficult to hear and locate the quiet voice.  It is those times I seek the help of my support network; I go to a meeting, I contact my sponsor.

Why?  Because I want to LIVE; I want to enjoy life, not just survive; I want to laugh, love, be responsible, live life on life’s terms. I look for that quiet spiritual voice that guides me to be unselfish, to be giving and loving and kind.  It guides me to seek to be helpful; it tells me to do things unselfish, that I don’t want to do, and it tells me not to do selfish things that I want to do.

When I am able to do this, the rewards are numerous, full of laughter, joy and respect.  When I am unable to follow that quiet voice, I am full of rage, anger, and fear.

Every day, every challenge, I face the Committee, but what I have discovered is that the more I seek the quiet voice, the louder and easier it is to find.  Sometimes the quiet voice and I laugh at the loud voice and the tricks, not treats, offered.

I treat the voices like a meeting – “Thanks for sharing.”  Next!! Challenge the Committee.