Recovery Bytes

Running on Empty by Ashley N.

Over the past year I have felt very tired, physically and mentally.  This time last year I threw my back out and the rest of my body hasn’t felt the same since.  I changed jobs at work and was given a lot more responsibility.  I got a new sponsor.  I sought outside help for some things I have needed to get off my chest for 20 years.  I changed jobs again at work.  Needless to say, there was a lot of change going on in my life and I was exhausted.

I began to feel stuck, literally stuck.  Some days I would come home from work and sit in the same place on the couch until I went to bed.  My husband finally told me that I needed to do something different because it was better than being consumed by anxiety, physical pain and stress.

I started thinking about what I could do differently.  I was going to meetings, more than usual, in fact.  I was giving my job everything that I had.  I was going to the gym regularly.  I was seeing a therapist.  I was going to the doctor for preventative care.  I thought to myself, “What is there left to do?”

It is very easy for me to get caught up in self-will.  I have long struggled with turning my will over to the care of something greater than myself for the shear fact that I cannot touch or see said something.  But thankfully my memory works in my favor (my memory is crazy good but my forgetter runs a close second).  I remember many times when I have had no other choice than to ask for help from my Higher Power.  Without a doubt, I know that I have gotten what I needed, regardless of how quickly or how slowly.

I practice daily surrender throughout the day now.  I travel for work so I am in my car a lot and have ample time for conversations with my Higher Power.  Today, life is good.  More change is inevitable and I am likely to struggle with self-will again.  The hope is in knowing that I don’t have to struggle with anything alone.