No one sets out to marry an alcoholic/addict, and no child chooses an alcoholic/addict for a parent. No one willingly chooses a life that lacks security, safety, or dignity. Living with an active alcoholic/addict means living a life with broken promises and disappointments resulting in a loss of faith, intimacy, and trust in the alcoholic/addict, one's self, and the future. Yet, millions of people are living this reality. Empowering yourself with information about the disease process will aid you in obtaining serenity and ultimately...........happiness.

Chemical dependency is a disease that affects every member of the family. By protecting the alcoholic/addict with lies and deceptions to the outside world (what will the neighbors think?).....actually creates a situation that makes it easier for the alcoholic/addict to continue--and progress--in his/her downward spiral.

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Read more about..............

» Defense Mechanisms
» Enabling
» Codependency
» Detachment
» Links

How many of these defense mechanisms (excuses) do you use? How many of have you heard your loved one utter?...............

I only had two......I haven't used/drank for a week......I don't use/drink as much as.........

» Rationalizing - I don't drink/use every day. I don't have a problem.
» Minimizing - I don't drink/use half as much as "x" drinks/use.
» Blaming - You drove me to drink/use. If you would just back off......
» Cockiness - I've got it made, these other folks are losers.
» Justifying - If you had a spouse/kid/job like mine, you would drink/use too.
» Projecting - You always manipulate to get what you want.
» Lying - I only had a couple of beers, maybe three.
» Manipulative - If you would quit bitching, I'd quit drinking/using.
» Explaining - I only drink/use because.............
» Arguing - I am not an alcoholic/addict, I only use on the weekends.
» Analyzing - I only drink/use because it is expected of me. I will stop when........
» Arguing - I am not an alcoholic/addict! It's a party/bar, what do you expect me to do.

For every alcoholic/addict there is an excuse (or few)............It is only when the misery and consequences of their disease becomes greater than their fear of change, that the alcoholic/addict will reach out and ask for help.

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Many times when family and friends try to "help" alcoholics/addicts, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of their disease. This baffling phenomenon is called "enabling" and it takes many forms. All of which, allow the alcoholic/addict to avoid the consequences of his/her actions. No matter how much he/she screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him/her from their mistakes.

The difference between helping and enabling is:

Helping is doing something for someone they are not capable of doing for themselves.

Enabling is doing something for someone that they could, and should, do themselves.

Simply put, enabling makes it possible for the alcoholic/addict to continue in his/her unacceptable behavior.

Are you an Enabler?

1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic/addict, lying about his/her symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his/her drinking/using or behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking to him/her about their use out of fear of his/her response?
4. Have you ever bailed him/her out of jail or paid for their legal fees?
5. Have you paid bills he/she should have paid themselves?
6. Have you loaned him/her money?
7. Have you tried drinking/using with them in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
8. Have you given him/her "one more chance" and then another and another?
9. Have you threatened to leave because of their use, and then didn't?
10. Have you finished a job or project the user failed to complete themselves?

If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, at some point, you have enabled the alcoholic/addict to avoid their own consequences or responsibilities. If you answered 'yes' to most of the questions, you have not only enabled the alcoholic/addict, you have probably become a major contributor to the continuing problem and are becoming affected by the disease yourself.

As long as the alcoholic/addict has their enabling devices in place, it is easy for them to continue in the disease and deny that they have a problem--- most of his/her problems are being solved by someone else. Only when he/she is forced to face the consequences of his/her own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep the problem has become.

You are not the cause of someone else's drinking/using......you cannot cure it.....and you can't control it!

No matter how difficult it may be, you have to remove yourself from the disease process and let the "chips fall where they may". Tough Love is what is needed. If the alcoholic/addict spends all his/her money on using and can't pay the light bill, let them sit in the dark. No more bail money. No more calling in sick for them. If they want to use alcohol/drugs--so be it--but no longer will they use you. Don't drag them into the house after they have passed out in the yard. The shame of waking up in the front yard the next morning belongs to the alcoholic/addict, not you. If you keep putting pillows under him/her when they fall, they will never feel the pain of falling. If their use doesn't become painful, due to your efforts to protect him/her, why should he/she ever stop? One of the best resources for you is free. Contact Al-Anon and empower yourself with the support of other families/friends of alcoholics/addicts who have found strength and peace in living their own life free of guilt, martyrdom, or feeling like victims because of an alcoholic/addict in their lives.

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"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie

While the addict/alcoholic continues to use/drink, the family attempts various methods to keep them from using/drinking, or to prevent crisis's from developing.

Drug and/or alcohol addiction demands the focus and attention to be placed on the addict. Families and friends fall to the wayside. Addictions do not promote equality or honor the value of others. Because of this, anyone who continues to maintain a close relationship with an active alcoholic/addict most likely will develop a codependent way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. The more personal the relationship, the greater the suffering. Following is a list of some of the traits of someone suffering from codependency:

» You focus on solving the addict/alcoholic's problems
» You focus on making the addict/alcoholic happy
» You focus on protecting the addict/alcoholic
» If you are happy, I am happy
» You pretend there is no problem
» You believe if you changed, things would be better
» You believe the addict/alcoholic is responsible for your anger, sadness, or unhappiness
» You try to control the addict/alcoholic with threats, guilt, fear, pity, or by creating a crisis
» The quality of your life is in relation to the quality of the addict's/alcoholic's life
» You feel responsible for the addict/alcoholic's sobriety.
» You feel compelled to help others solve their problems
» You think and talk a lot about other people
» You check up on others
» You try to catch the addict/alcoholic using
» You pretend circumstances are as bad as they are
» You say you won't tolerate certain behaviors----but you do
» You let others hurt you
» You blame others for problems in your life
» You feel very scared, hurt, angry
» You are frightened by other's anger
» You are the caretaker
» You judge yourself without mercy
» You worry about (keep track of) how much the alcoholic/addict is using/drinking
» You are experiencing money problems because of someone else's using.
» You believe that if the addict/alcoholic loved you, they would stop drinking.
» You believe if the addict/alcoholic would stop using, all of your problems would be solved

If you recognize yourself in this list of codependent traits, there is hope. Once a person realizes that their thinking, feeling, and believing has been and is being influenced and expressed in unhealthy ways, change can begin. Learning to honor yourself--your voice--is the first step in asking for help. Al-Anon is a great community resource--free of charge--that is available to you. Cohabitating with an alcoholic/addict is not the same as "living" with them. Al-Anon will provide you with the tools you need to let the person you love live their own life, without you doing it for them. Contact Al-Anon for a meeting schedule in your area.

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"Detachment is about having the wisdom not to jump in the water with a drowning man/woman to keep them from drowning, but rather throwing him/her a life line to grab onto so they can pull themselves safely to shore."

For friends and family of the addict/alcoholic, the key to peace and serenity is finding the wisdom to know the difference between what they can and cannot change. Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It is about knowing you are not the cause of--nor the cure for--another person's addictions. Detachment is about knowing you can care about someone without taking care of them in inappropriate ways that prevent that person from also being a responsible person.

Detachment does not imply making judgments or condemning the person from which they are detaching--it is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the addict's/alcoholic's behavior, putting the focus on ourselves instead.

By putting the focus on ourselves, we are no longer in the position to:

» Suffer because of the actions or reactions of others
» Allow ourselves to be used or abused by others
» Do for others what they can do for themselves
» Manipulate situations so the addict/alcoholic will eat, sleep, get up, pay bills, or not use
» Cover up for anyone's mistakes
» Create a crisis
» Obsess over what/when the addict/alcoholic is using or not

As they say in Al-Anon, "It's simple, but it ain't easy." But you don't have to do it alone. There is probably an Al-Anon Family Group meeting nearby where you will find people who understand as few others can. They have been there, and by sharing their experience, strength, and hope, help others to find their own path to serenity, and yes...........happiness.

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